As with most of the world’s population, early 2020 did a number on me and turned my life inwards. 

Prior to that time I had one of those 9 to 5 corporate office jobs (I still do!), had a fairly active social and home life mostly shared with hubby. 

When the lockdowns hit and we were told we need to work from home and not have any in person gatherings, I was grinning inside! I was particularly happy with two things: Skipping the extra stress of going to a “cold” (both literally and figuratively) office and maybe more surprisingly, not dealing with the stress of answering the question of “what is my weekend  plan?”. Because not having one felt like you were a loser at that time and somehow being “productive” on the weekends was necessary, as if I was not “productive” enough on the weekdays.

Life was like I was binging on a fast meal but constantly remained hungry for more. I went to beautiful places, with beautiful people, wearing beautiful clothes but, mostly, didn’t have any meaning in life, often pondering heavy questions like “what is my purpose in this life?”. Was there meaning behind my worldly being beyond going to work and making weekend plans?

It all felt like a tumbling snowball. 

That year, by the freedom granted by lockdowns (what an irony), I started therapy sessions and wrote a very vulnerable public letter to my long lost father on social media. I dropped out of my diet and exercise routine, gained weight and started to experience frequent migraines. 

There was a call for seeking healing at all levels: emotional, physical and soul. 

At the end of September, 2020, I got the news that my grandfather passed away. He was my father figure, my role model growing up, so naturally, the news of his passing had an earthquake affect on me.

If you ever lost a close family member, you will also know the shared grief of the surviving spouse, especially if they spent 60+ happy years together.

The shock in grandma’s eyes, the hurt and indescribable sadness that made me want to rescue her from her pain. 

Meanwhile, something new was being triggered in me. I was very sad but somehow felt…. more fulfilled!

Just a few days before the passing, I couldn’t even imagine traveling abroad, we were in the midst of a pandemic for god sakes. I couldn’t calculate whether it would be worth the risk, I didn’t even entertain the idea. I just accepted I won’t be seeing my family for some time. Then, having traveled total of 16 hours on planes that were not socially distanced with no clear idea whether we would be turned back around due to changing border restrictions, there I was sitting with my family like it was yesterday.

It was a check to my mind that was felt overwhelmed and trapped, to all of a sudden live another reality.

“Was this the last gift from grandpa?”, I wrote in my diary. It felt like everyday was full of meaning, even though they were the hardest days I could remember in the last decade. In the middle of my felt hopelessness, a portal opened up, a new window showing me what I was missing.

Was this a reset enabled by a colossal loss in my life? What would I do with this newfound information?